Runaway Train

"Wisst ihr? Ich wuerde, fuer euch, mich gerne vor einem zug hinlegen."

This week has been strange in so many little ways. Beauty, sorrow, love, uncertainty, are all closing in around me. The swirling about of my life has not stopped, it has merely moved below the surface. I am surrounded by good things, yet the joys seem darker, more sinister, or at least more fleeting, as if I am standing on the verge of something awful. Danny Torrence is in the hedge maze again, but the bright, daytime sun is growing faint, and there are whispers of a coming storm, of darkness, and of fear. The maze is losing its appeal. I would like very much to be standing in the open again.

But what is real? Is the clear, open path flooded with sunshine and birds and pleasant breezes merely seduction? Is the enclosing forest that pricks our sides with thorns, that wraps itself around us and tries to suck us down into its foul stench merely fighting to keep us from the end? There are two ways out of here... the great escape is merely an illusion - it is the wrong way out.

"...um mich gerne vor einem zug hinzulegen."

Last night I went with my friends to a Latin Mass on the eve of All Saints Day. The solemnity and the reverence of the Extraordinary Form are always overwhelming, but were particularly so last night, with the dark outside the windows, the small congregation in the large church, and the small choir singing the ethereal notes. And I loved those around me. As we filed out of our pew to go forward and receive the Eucharist, I stepped aside to let the four girls who were with me go ahead. It is not much. I do not place much importance on what I did as anything gentlemanly or chivalrous. Only, as I watched my four sisters in Christ go past me, and as I stood behind them, I felt proud - proud to call them my friends, proud to call them my sisters, proud to be able to love them, imperfect as I am. And in that moment the world seemed right. And in that moment
the path I am on seemed light, if only I could walk it with my brothers and sisters, with my blood family and family in Christ. And in that moment I felt that for them, for these four and for so many others whose lives have touched mine, I would gladly lay myself down.

"Seems like I should be getting somewhere/ Somehow I'm neither here nor there."

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what this year will bring me. My wildest imagination had never predicted what the past month has brought me. So I'll place my right hand on the wall and find my way through the maze. It will take time, but that's life, isn't it?